Review: The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️

A great tool for learning about what a boundary is, how to apply and uphold it, and under many different circumstances.

Not a book that requires reading in its entirety. Though I did listen to the whole book, there were certainly parts that didn’t apply to my current life (work boundaries), and I’d suggest reading the introductory chapters, the chapters that apply specifically to the areas you struggle with most (work, friends, partner, children, self, etc.), and then the closing chapters. Unless you’re like me and you have to read the whole book so you can count it as “read.” Yeah, I’m that person.

The format of the book is really smart. Urban talks about the kinds of boundaries that are often crossed in different relationships. She uses examples from her own life, as well as those submitted to her from followers, and then explores various “clear and kind” approaches for those situations in depth. Then, she provides a whole host of responses for varying situations at the end of each chapter. Very easy to use.

Another thing she does well is focus on ally-ship, taking diversity into account all along the way.

My biggest beefs with this book are related to privilege and voice. While I nearly always lean into non-fiction with an audiobook, especially if the author is narrating, this was one limited example of where I suspect I might have enjoyed it better had I read it. Urban’s actual voice was fine. But I am a super sensitive people pleaser who has a hard time with tones that feel sharp or superior or abrasive. It is highly likely that I register or perceive those tones at a different frequency than others, that this is a ME issue. It’s also possible that the tone of the book would have rubbed me the wrong way as well. Just a heads up. YMMV.

In terms of privilege, there were certainly asides and exceptions provided, but they didn’t go far enough for me. There were scenarios where my lived experience would make the use of some of the suggestions nearly impossible, for a myriad of reasons. Admittedly, some of those reasons might also be “excuses.” Change is hard. But in some cases, I feel like the target was just missed for someone like me.

That said, most of it was widely applicable, especially if you are “normal” and have always lived a “normal” life, or have had abnormal experiences similar to the authors. One person can’t imagine every lived experience or represent or account for us all, so for most readers, this book is probably going to be a 4 star instead of a 3.